It's your birthday

Your sticky fingers rummage through my desk drawers in search of treasures. A pen, and hot pink sticky-tabs are clutched tightly, proving your competence at office management. In the near future we'll apply for your work permit so that you can help me with data entry and answering phones, tasks you have already mastered. You've removed a lid to a pen and are taking notes on a piece of paper you stole from my filing cabinet.

Last week you tried to unlock my office's front door so you could run outside on the concrete, seeking freedom on the black asphalt of my parking lot. Two days ago you tried to "assist" your father by plugging in his laptop charger.

Today, for your birthday, you got you a flu shot, because we love you and we do not want you to keep getting sick. Sorry it hurt, but today was the only day they had an opening. We also got you some awesome hippy toys and a book.

I'll end with this quote by Steve Almond:

I walk her from room to room and whisper my secret vows of love, and Baby yells and weeps and chokes on her tears. Her face appears frozen in a gummy frown. Her ears are tiny red seashells. There is a hot momentum to her misery; she is speaking in tongues, an ecstatic. It is her right as a citizen of earth, this aria of sorrow, this abject declaration. She puts everything she is, every ounce of her, into each shriek. Her breath is so sweet I want to climb inside her mouth. I kiss her cheek and she cries harder.

It's been an amazing, wonderful, challenging year. I love that you are mine and I am yours.


Xoxo,

Mama

Adventures with CrazyBaby - nearly a year

Dear Sofie,

I've decided to hop on the Dooce cart and start chronicling your adventures, if for no other reason then to have tangible evidence of who you were and what you were like - at least in my perception. It won't be monthly, but it will be something, which is more than I can say for my own parents.

We've got some catching up to do here, so I'll just say during months 4-9 you were a horrendous sleeper. Easily the worst sleeper of any baby I have ever known, and quite possibly the worst sleeper in all of California. Since you have learned to walk you are sleeping between 2 and 3 hours at a stretch but of course that changes when you are teething or don't feel well. At times you have been up every 45 minutes all night long. Your ability to stay awake at will even when thoroughly exhausted would put a decent insomniac to shame. During the wee hours you try to share the secrets of the universe with your father, calling out to him repeatedly. "Da? Dada? Dada dada?!!? DA!!"


This summer marked your first of many trips to come, and your first time on an airplane. We dragged you everywhere and fortunately for us you have your father's curiosity and my love of life. You did remarkably well on every trip we took and I am looking forward to many more adventures with you. Someday we'll go to Europe and drink cappuccino, shop, and gab all day.

When I started this letter months ago, you had just mastered standing and clapping. You were unbelievably proud of yourself and cackled at your own ingenuity and skill every time you moved the input knob on our receiver, compelling us to give you attention instead of those flat people in that big box. Now, not only do you walk, you run from room to room trying to subvert authority. One of your favorite games is tag, which starts once you have opened our cupboards and thrown every Tupperware lid and dish towel on the floor. Your fingers are stickier than salt water taffy and you are constantly getting Sticky Keys set up on my laptop and desktop at work.



You have an intensity about you like a desert thunderstorm, and at times you oscillate between snot-nosed screeching and hysterical laughter. Your emotions run deep and your intellectual curiosity is rarely satisfied. Among your favorite toys are: laptops, phones, remote controls, a Baby Einstein music cube, your feet, and some blocks from Grandma Coleen. Above all, we your parents are your favorite toys. You love to interact with and stare at people. Interesting faces, expressions, or voices captivate you while you stare with wide eyes and a slack jaw.

You love adventure and change, which is something I hope to cultivate. You've been camping a couple times already and love the outdoors, the water, and the sounds of nature. You fly well, which is a blessing really, considering that we took you to Kansas just a few weeks ago.

You are easily the most amazing and wonderful experience of my life. When you are sleeping the house is eerily quiet and I secretly try to send you esp messages so you will wake up and I can hold you and kiss you. You have made me appreciate my life, and most especially my own mother, in ways I never knew possible.



Thank you.

Always,

Mama

Do the slices get smaller, or does the pie get bigger?

Women are constantly discussing whether or not it is possible to have it all: a great marriage, wonderful kids, and a thriving, challenging career with ample time to enjoy it all.

Despite what magazines say, there is no simple solution. Every woman I know grapples with striking a balance between her needs and those of her family. And every woman cuts something out of her daily routine or long-term goals to meet those demands. From exercise and daily primping to our career choices and marriages, we all let something fall by the wayside.

Every morning I am awakened to an important monologue consisting of "ma-ma-ma, ba-ba, da-daaaaaaaa!" When not immediately responsive, which is most days, I am crawled on and slapped as my daughter is very eager to play. On good days Nick and I function on 7 hours of sleep in two hour segments. Sofia's vibrant personality and rejection of sleep keep us focused on helping each other get by each day rather than on nurturing our relationship, an imbalance we hope to correct.

Yet somehow, our family is thriving.

Aside from sleep, nothing of substance feels removed from our life; we don't go on dates much, that's true, but when we do it is very special and rare. Plus, there's something to be said for dressing up for no occasion and having a date at home. Life involves toting around a lot more baby crap and chronic sleep deprivation, but other than that we are doing remarkably well.

I find that I am a better, happier, person doing MORE with my life rather than less. To this end, I am going back to school (again) to fulfill the educational requirement for the California State CPA Exam. This decision will mean a bit more time away from my daughter, but I believe it is something that will reward my family and myself in years to come.

I will no doubt continue to struggle with my choices as countless women have before me. Right now I strike the balance by pushing sleep lower and lower on my list which I'm pretty sure means I'd make a good CEO of some large company.

I don't think anyone can really, truly, have it all because if you do, then what's left to achieve?

Happy Birthday Ashley!!

Thirteen is such an awkward age, is it not?

The adults of the family let you hang out when it suits our needs, but whenever something important comes up, we are quick to send you into the other room to watch your younger sister, forever reminding you that you are in fact a child. We won't let you go to concerts without adult supervision but rely on you to handle the cooking when we are too tired or preoccupied.

It's unfair, and I can appreciate this difficult time because I remember what it was like to lay awake in bed agonizing over the "right" thing to wear on my first day back at school only to find that my "perfect outfit" wasn't nearly as awesome as I'd hoped, and that I no longer cared on account of being so darn tired.

This age is full of disappointment and bittersweet negotiation as you figure out who you are, who your friends are, and who you want to be.

Your braces are off, and recently your wisdom teeth were removed. Sitting next to you while you came out of anesthesia, sobbing and confused, was surreal and sweet. I laughed while your mother cried, and although we doted on you, we were quick to poke fun at your feeble attempts to talk to us through a mouthful of gauze about how important your shoes were. Welcome to the family.

Sometimes I wonder if we aren't too saracastic with you -- if maybe you are too sensitive for our off-handedly rude remarks, when you startle me with an acerbic and witty remark, reminding all of us you are capable and can handle your own.

You are bonding with my husband and I feel absolute joy when I watch you two exchange barbs while snickering together. If you can hold your own with Nick, you should have no problem with the kids at school.

Roughly a month ago you spent the night and we played games and dyed your hair. The results were far more subtle than we wanted, but now we have permission from your parents to do it again and get CRAZY!

Speaking of your parents - I know you are struggling with their authority and control over you. I remember this and I remember how much I wanted to be treated like an adult - an equal - a peer. The thing is, you are not an equal, and it's their job to protect you and prevent you from having to face all the responsibility and negative aspects of life. Your mom and Michael take this duty very seriously and even though they aren't perfect, and don't listen the way you want, they are excellent parents whom you'll be thankful you had at some distant point in the future.

I love that I have known you and been close to you since before you were born. I love how we can discuss real things together and I love that you are slowly able to bond with me as a woman, instead of as a little girl.

You are amazing, beautiful, and hilarious. Take your time growing up - be mindful of how much you have in your life and how many people are there to support you through anything.




Love Always,

Aunt Sissy

Baking a pumpkin pie with your three year old niece, and other small joys...

Today, I will spend Thanksgiving with my pregnant sister and her family. Since moving here, our bond has strengthened in ways I couldn't have imagined, but have always hoped for. I love being near my nieces and I love that my daughter can grow up with her cousins.

This year has been so full of good and necessary change -- and has brought so many blessings and changed so many relationships that I find it difficult to articulate my feelings.

I am so lucky for the people I have in my life; I find that family is more important than ever, and make a constant effort to be available and involved despite distance and differences.

Thanksgiving is an action holiday; it's more important to actively thank the people in your life than to tout it to the whole Internet. That said, I'm going to snuggle up next to my husband, feel my daughter move, and get ready to spend the day with people who are irreplacable to me.