Trained in the USSR during the cold war ...

Dear People at work -

Yes, I know you like to spy on me. You know you like to spy on me. You don't need to make up pretend excuses anymore to see if I'm wasting time on the internet, because, I probably am. Also, I'm probably doing more work while on the internet than you are getting up every 10 minutes to check on me.

Save me the heart attack of your loud nosey voice startling me and save yourself the effort.

I waste time once in a while.

I also get work done.

You're as subtle as a Russian spy plane buzzing the 6th floor of this here office building.

Now go away and get me a snack, woman.

A lesson in Maren-isms

Or Karen-isms, as I'm sure she learned it all from her mother judging by my trip out to lunch the other day.

The net result from my complaint to Phizer?

$10 in free Sudafed coupons, which I've already cashed in, an entire Phizer coupon booklet, plus a promise from them to try and remedy the "bad" Sudafed!

Also, if you buy the liqui-gel caps of Sudafed they totally have psuedophedrine in them, and are on the shelf out in the open without a lock in sight.

Net result from Safeway?

Bullshitty apology letter from customer service that meant nothing, however, I did get a rewards card with 10% off for two months plus free coupons for bread, orange juice, eggs, and mayonnaise.

I may have to escalate that one though because that Safeway is in need of some serious help.

Leaps and Bounds Above the General Populace

Last night something amazing happened, or so I was informed this morning on my way to work.

It marked the premire of American Idol, which was funny, mean, and from what I could gather, a must-see staple of American TV!

Granted, I was busy doing other things, like reading Economics homework, so perhaps I missed some of the more flavorful comments. But I heard the guffaws about some poor girl with a tent(?). I even got to hear the clips of a singer and the bleeped out language she used when she got booted off the show for not having a strong enough voice.

Good show, people, good show.

I don't have cable anymore, and so far I don't even miss it. I didn't even know American Idol was entering our airwaves last night.

Instead, Nick and I ventured out into the world of the arts and saw the musical Lestat at the Curran Theatre. The show is based on Anne Rice's vampire novels with music written by Elton John and Bernie Taupin. Unlike the Tom Cruise/Brad Pitt film, this show actually follows the books pretty closely.

Interestingly enough, they used digital media as a way to enhance the set, which I thought it was innovative and unique. I didn't really notice Elton John's musical influence in an overwhelming way until Act II, however I enjouyed all of the music.

My favorite song was by Claudia, and it was probably called, "More".

Great show.

So while millions tuned in for American Idol, a small gathering of us went to watch a small show at the Curran sung by a professional cast with excellent voices.

Now that's a good show.

Nothing personal Sheryl Crow,

it's just that you were wrong.

The second cut is definitely the deepest. Especially when it's made in the same spot with an envelope that has glue on it so you don't have to lick it.

That just slices you open like a razor blade.

Ouch.

Sinuses, Safeway, and Sudafed

So, last night *I* had to buy me some Sudafed.

I trek down to the local (read: janky, overcrowded and disorganized) Safeway to make my purchase. I decide to get the Safeway discount and buy 2/$5.00 to stock up for winter, thinking that even with long lines, I have fro-yo and my laminate card of choice, so how bad can things get?

Real bad as it turns out.

First I wait. And wait. And wait. To be checked out. For about twenty minutes. So long in fact that Nick started reading Teen Vogue magazine.

Get up to the checkout line (yay!) and kerplunk my laminated card down with zeal. Punch in club card number. Get told to wait some more for delivery of happy pill.

I wait so long that I watch some crazy broad unload 30 eggplants on to the checkout counter and have them bagged. They were on sale or something. WTF?

I finally ask about my drugs. As I'm asking, some asshat walks up to me and says, "Sorry, we're out."

Oh.

Ok.

That's it!?

I just suck it up and leave, you jerk?

I don't think so.

So I demand the real thing. I'm getting pissed.

My checker runs to the back, and grabs something that looks like Sudafed, which makes me happy, but it's not Sudafed, because they are out of that too! But they've already taken my money, and people are lined up so deep they are at the deli section now.

She decides to charge me extra for the Sudafed PE that I don't even want. I'm seething. So red I match my new red coat. I tell her I don't even want it. She threatens to take it away from me, but I'm afraid my face might just split open from the snot locked away inside.

So fine. I pay the additional $3.84 and walk out in a huff.

I've written to Safeway corporate already and I've learned this:

Sudafed PE works for about 2 hours if you are willing to have your heart feel really funny for the first hour of those two.

Also, don't ever shop at:

SAFEWAY
3747 Grand Ave
Oakland, CA 94610
_________________

If I were in Maui

I'd be so pretty! Maren named this fishy after me! Now she can say hi to me all the time! Hurray!

I live on Lanai at 2nd Cathedral which is Maren's favorite place to dive.

22 Things to Do over Christmas Break

1. Shoot a gun
2. Blast the crap out of a clay pigeon or six
3. Hit most of them on the first shot!

4. Sleep more than ten hours a day
5. Eat all the eggs and meat you can
6. Peanut Brittle Peanut Brittle Peanut Brittle
7. Rub your thumbs raw cracking open pistachios
8. Refuse to feed the dog any kind of anything fat and then offer her toast because your head hurts so goddamn bad it's all you can eat

9. Get a migraine
10. Do it again
11. Spill broth and noodles on yourself in bed

12. Save your 2 year old niece from splatting her face on the pergo floor in the kitchen.
13. Feel goddamn good about it
14. Have Christmas with your sibling and her family
15. Feel goddamn great about it

16. Schlep your ski gear all over the state in hopes that the rain will relent at Kirkwood
17. Get a headache as soon as the rain seems to let up and crawl in bed to die
18. Smoke pot in front of your boyfriend's mother
19. With her significant other

20. Cook a cornish game hen with an apricot glaze, asparagus, and wild rice for two
21. Send your brother a Christmas present and then forget to call him because he moved and the new number is not in your cell phone or email
22. See three movies

Ring in the New Year!

My new year was very intimate and private and wonderful.

I had, by my side some very close friends, good conversation and a lot of warmth, love, and support. Everyone discussed accomplishments and failures from last year, and goals for this year. It was very honest and very rich and fulfilling.

Leaving early, to really ring it in with one person, who has changed my life completely was even better. I'd rather drink champagne in bed and watch the homies in Oakland light my city up than spend it with all of the Bay Area (and trust me, everybody was there) at the Embarcadero.

A great end to a great vacation, which I will post all about a little bit later.