I told them we were married

all for a Turkey sandwich.

I was at the movies with my brother and his wife, Karen. Up in Oregon, where such things probably go unnoticed anyhow.

I was buying us some snacks at the concession stand, specifically popcorn, a soda, and some junior mints. Having just retched outside the theater into a potted plant (migraine) my brother didn't really feel I should be at the movies, much less at the concession stand.

But hey, it was Harry Potter, and I was feeling better. Also, I had half a turkey sandwich stuffed into my coach purse.

I gave the man my credit card to pay for our purchase, which was conveniently located in my pocket because I'd just used it to buy our tickets. He asked me for identification, and since I couldn't reveal the giant turkey sandwich in my purse, I said, "We're married, can you just look at his id instead?"

My brother shot me a horrified look that bordered on I'm going to kill you for your cruelty and we'll talk about this later, missy. True to form however, he just pulled out his wallet and showed his license and all was well.

So that's the story of how I married my brother in Oregon for a turkey sandwich.

My new shoes,

they are trying to kill my feet.

I put them on tonight, for a half an hour, and already I have three blisters. Minus one because it popped in the shower.

Is that what happens when you wear them right after a pedicure?

Jennifer, how long does it take before the shoes are broken in? Will they ever feel as good as they look? Will they ever feel 1/4 as good as they look?

Why are they trying to murder my feet?

Overheard:

"Sometimes I just want to bite off your nipple and stick it in my wallet the way people save dried flowers."

All I can think about is that episode from Sex and the City where Miranda is chasing the cat because the cat is playing with Brady's belly button.

Ew.

Reverse Poo

Skip it if you want to.

So Maren and I share poo stories - it's what we do. We are twelve year olds on a mature day and sometimes we will call each other _just_ to leave a poo story message.

Typically, I'm an afternoon poo-er, and she's a morning poo-er, but sometime ago, maybe a week or so, we both switched to the other person's schedule. This was highly inconvenient for me because at the same exact time that I would need to start hoofing it out the door to carpool, I'd have to have a sit down and take Maren's poo for her.

That's hard to do all the way from California to Hawaii.

Today she tells me, "Hey- after my massage., when I was walking home- the morning poo came back. Good thing it was a short walk."

"My afternoon poo is coming back."

"Well, I realized that since we are 2 hours apart, maybe we pooed at the same time. Mine was at 1ish- my time."

"We totally pooed at the same time."

"This is hilarious."

So it turns out I wasn't really taking her poo for her, more like sharing mutual poo with my best friend!

That's so cool!

My conversation with Matt -

He looked at me. We shared something. It was very special.

He was asking for requests - and as a dinner ticket holder I was very close. So, he asks for requests and strangely enough I blurt, "Suzanne Vega!"

He gave me the classic Matt look of intrigue and curiousity. He was into it, but he needed more.

"Luca!"

And then, the look - again. So great. And then his fingers found his guitar.

"You know you can do it."

He played, but didn't know the words, so I sang for him.

This was completely lost on the entire crowd, but I think he appreciated the challenge.

And I will always love him for it.

This was the first time I have attended one of his shows where I didn't want to make out with him. But, he was awesome, as always, and very funny, and definitely OCD and ADD.

Kung Fu Fuck You.

Hi-Ya!

There is a new special tact in office warfare that's going around, it's called, "Kung Fu - Fuck You."

The entire point is to work circles around your enemy while appearing apathetic. The apathy makes them angry and annoyed, so they go home wanting to eat their own liver. The increased productivity leaves them confused and unsure of what to do and who is doing all this work.

I've even been volunteering to do work for other people here in the office just as a silent Fuck You to StinkyPinky. She's riding everyone, and hard, like a slut on a mechanical bull in a bar. She needs the Kung Fu of the Fuck You.

I'm telling you, Sun Tzu has nothing on me.

How to heal a burnt mouth

I'm trying to drink less coffee, which is something I think is futile and stupid, but probably good for all the kinks in my muscles.

Today, I made myself some herbal tea to take to work and filled up my travel mug. I decided I'd take a small tester sip of my tea to see how it tasted before I left my house.

I knew it would be hot, so I tentatively poked my tongue out, furtively wiggling in the tea's direction. I made the error of taking too much tea into my mouth and felt the searing of my tender flesh, so I opened my mouth to take in much needed air to cool my burning insides.

Then I realized it would be far smarter to get rid of the burning hot liquid, so I casually opened my mouth and dumped it on the kitchen floor. Sweet, sweet relief. I may still lose the skin on my tongue and roof of my mouth, but maybe not.

Then I had tea all over the floor, and while yes I debated about leaving it there all day to evaporate while I was at work, I decided to use my voter registration paperwork for something _good_, so I mopped up the tea and promptly threw away my voting paperwork.

Seque to: I'm not voting this election.

I'm sorry Amber; I know if you could get to me you'd kick my ass as hard as your scrawny butt could.

I don't believe in it, I don't care, and ultimately, I don't think it will make a damn bit of difference.

I'm slightly ashamed, feel a little bit guilty, but I'm ignorant and well yeah, I'm not doing it. It's not done anything in the past two or three elections to date. Even for the smaller stuff.

So I'm done.

Instead I'll do my homework and my dishes.

You are welcome to kick my ass though.

Nick and Jesse's too for that matter.

new bed new bed new bed happy dance!

Tomorrow I get a new bed.

Not completely new, but new to me.

And much better than the pile of squeaky pain that gives me back pain as of late.

I'm so excited.

It's squishy.

And firm.

My old bed, it is over 12 years old.

My new bed is pristine. And perfect!!

Yay for new beds!

3 Things I learned in San Diego

(or on the way there ...)

Ghetto-adjacent.

This is what we shall forever refer to my apartment as. I live in a ghetto-adjacent neighborhood.

Mullet-tastic.

This always comes out of my mouth as mullet-tasket. Drunk, sober, sleepy, whatever. Can't say it. A tisket, a tasket, I think he's mullet-tasket. Oh right. That's not it.

Ricockulous.

That's like ridiculous with a cock in it. (I hope my mother never reads this site).

Thank you Kyle - that one was truly special.

Every morning and the same old thing ....

I wake up and the same exact expletive pops out of my mouth.

Habitually.

Recurring.

Automatic.

I hate to wake up.


This will never change.

Must shower now.

I heart my new shoes!

My pinky toe already hurts!

But my new brown BCBG (I have no idea what that means but it makes other girls excited!) from DSW in San Diego are very cute! Very cute indeed!

Good shoes are meant to be walked in, not shoved in backpacks, even if it means hurting your toes.

(Isn't that right Jennifer?)

I even wore a scarf today to accentuate my cutesey shoes, although the forecast for later predicts rain and I think my shoes will not like rain. Hmmm. That's no good.

I will have to go to the bar, adjacent to my work to solve the problem. The Tunnel Top.

If you have termites or something you can come too. ;)

It would be surprising if I ever did homework again

but soon I think I must.

Not tonight though.

Not tomorrow either.

So I'm watching Queer as Folk -- I've never seen it.

Not sure I like it. Interesting for sure. Definitely glad it's out there (or was I should say).

Very good music.

Has anyone else seen this show?

My plants are dying again. I need to start carting them to and from Santa Cruz. This is not good.