Hurray Hurrah Hurree Hurroh!!

Today, I am a hero at work! Today, I managed to upgrade our entire database software system without ruining anything, or even really stopping routine activity here.

It was brilliant and basically flawless.

And then, my co-worker Chris, helped me edit and convert our merge files in word so that all of our letters work perfectly on the new system.

It's the best, most fun, dental practice software ever. And today is my best day at work in about two years.

Wahooo!!!

Tonight I have DDR swimming, hot-tubbing, and drinking to look forward to. Oh yeah, and tasty delicious bbq-d yummies to eat!! Hurrah.

Something Light and Fluffy

Like my tall non-fat latte.

Which by the way, is an excellent way to start a day after only four hours of sleep.

I couldn't get comfy last night.  I was hot, then cold, then hot.  I needed to snuggle Evan, but I can't sleep doing that.  I couldn't sleep away from him either. 

I finally dozed off and had the most pleasant dream.  The kind of dream that makes you giggle out loud while you are sleeping. 

I dreamed that Nick and Ericka came to Danville this weekend to play in Kate's pool.  Except Kate's yard was transformed into an acre of playground.  Old school stuff, with dirt, not like the current silly plastic domes and rubber-bouncy grounds so you don't break your arm.

The swings were fantastic!! Really high with super long chains, so that when you got going very fast you could get enough slack in your chain to bounce your swing on the way down.  I love that feeling.  Like you are out of control, but not really. 

Nick and Evan and I were swinging, and Ericka was inside doing something.  There was a reference to guacamole, so it may be that Ericka was fixing some guac I fouled up or something.  Anyway, we are swinging and I was having so much fun I couldn't stop laughing.  And smiling, and laughing some more.  (I *really* love swings)

Then I abruptly woke up choking.  I think I was laughing so hard that I swallowed wrong or something because I couldn't stop coughing.  I was cranky because it was 4:37 and I was supposed to wake up in 40 minutes (which didn't happen) and the best part of my entire night just ended.

Sigh.  It was mucho fun while it lasted though.

My response

Well, Brody's already sent Sandra an email pretty much laying in to her.  We are all sending emails to everyone involved to prove to my sister that nobody is lying.   WTF??!!

Here's what I had to say:

While we are on a roll here, I have some things I would like to say.

First, I don't think it's fair to bring ANYONE into individual relationships that we have with each other because we all act differently one on one than we do in a group.  Our relationships with each other are private and personal, and having everyone clear the air this way debases every one of those personal relationships.

For my part, I feel more stupid and sorry about the way I handled things than I can ever relate to anyone.  I think about it every day.  Sandra, just because I am not calling you to apologize every day, or being pissed at anyone every day, does NOT mean I don't feel sorry or sad.
 
I think the situation was handled horribly.  I think I was a large part of that problem because I didn't know who to trust about what was really going on.  I feel satisfied now about the result, but not about the way it happened.  I won't involve myself there again.

I can only speak for myself when I say that I was interested in finding out more information about the situation prior to involving CPS in any way. 

Also, I do think that mom is overprotective to the point of letting her passion blind her to reality when she feels a loved one is in danger.  This does not mean that I don't love her, or that I value her any less.  I'm certainly guilty of letting mom's perception of a situation taint my own view, and I've vowed not to listen to anything anyone says about other people or their relationships.  I'm tired of the assumptions and I'm tired of the gossip and the meddlesome nature of this family.

As far as Evan and mom are concerned, he does not *pretend* to like her.  He likes her a lot and he thinks she's a wonderful person.  Sometimes she's misguided, and yes, she's prone to exaggeration, however I don't think these are family secrets.   

I have told all of you that I thought the entire situation got blown way out of proportion and that I felt stupid dealing with it at all.  Immediately after talking with Sandra I told Brody exactly what my thoughts on this were.  I admit I didn't tell mom or dad for a few days after that, but I really didn't want to talk to anyone about it for a couple of days.  Since that time I have told everyone the same thing.  Sandra, I don't know why you think I am lying on this ... but that's your decision. 

For Sandra:

I have inquired about Zoe and I'm sorry that Ashley hasn't spent more over-nighters at my house, but you can't criticize that while at the same time telling me I'm not allowed to see her again.  It just doesn't add up. 

I'm really sorry for hurting Michael, but I can't fix that until he is willing to spend time in the same physical space.  I've apologized to him.  I've taken responsibility for my actions and I've changed the way I view any relationship between two people. 

I'm sorry you said the things you did today, and I'm sorry that Evan and I are once again upset about this issue.

If you don't want contact with us, that's your decision.  In an effort to respect your decision and give you some much needed space, I won't be contacting you until I hear something contrary to your last letter.

If you decide not to be in my wedding party, or be the photographer, please let me know by September so that I can find a replacement.  There obviously won't be anyone who could replace my sister standing up there with me, but I can find another photographer without much difficulty.

For everyone:

I'm sorry for all the trouble this has caused, but I refuse to accept full responsibility because EVERYONE in this family has bitched about everyone else.  And EVERYONE in this family has made assumptions about each other or our relationships that were invalid and untrue.  EVERYONE HERE IS AT FAULT for something or another, including you, Sandra.

I also refuse to mediate things anymore.  It's too much for me to handle and I'm not a mind reader so sometimes I make mistakes.

Let's stop rumors, gossip and assumption, and start honestly talking without yelling and closing each other off.  I'm done with that part of my life, thanks.

Hope you all are having as good a day as I am.

Jocelyn 

This shit is literally weighing me down.

I don't actually expect you to read this whole thing, hell, *I* even started skimming the last few paragraphs.

Here's a letter from my sister, if this gives any indication at all of my current family situation.

Joe, Jocelyn, Evan, Jeremy, Karen, Sandy and Jack,

I am addressing this to all of you because Ashley was told by her grandmother that it was all "7 of us who love you so much and are going to take care of you, even if we go to jail, so come with me now sweet heart" as an attempt was made to take her away from Chris's house.

If you are no longer or were never part of the Defender of the Innocent Tag Team, then you either have not made that clear to its Founder, or have not yet made it clear to me. If you fall into either of those two categories, you are a coward for not speaking your truth to everyone involved. All of you, as told to Ashley by her grandmother, participated on one level or another in a situation that, though it may not be the first thing you think of when you wake up in the morning, is still very much alive in this household. Though you felt powerful and vindicated enough to make this mess, you have done nothing to clean it up. Worse yet, some of you are still sending letters with your observations and advice, though you have been told not to. One fool thinks she can mail a letter every other day and I will actually give it to Ashley. Nearly all of you talk about one of you behind her back and so far have not had the balls to to come clean. At this point, who is say whom is lying to whom. You felt it right to bring the truth as you saw it to my attention, however stopped short of leaving the truth as you say you now see it to her attention. Or, you are lying to me, as some have suggested, to keep the peace so I do not prevent you from seeing beloved Ashley. ( Apparently Zoe has little relevance in this family intervention crap. She can't understand the verbal abuse thrown at her, and still weighs too little to kick very far.)

Some of you have been pulling this crap for 10 1/2 years. Some of you have been observing it for that long, but out of your sense of loyalty won't admit to as much. On the side you eagerly whisper "oh if they ever did this with my kids or in my house I would.........." or "why do you think we moved so far away?".

I might add as an aside that Michael and I had picked a wedding date in October, but had wanted to only go through with it and announce it if the family was getting along. Yes, you can all breathe easier now. The dog kicking, child beating, emotional abusive man wants as far away from all of you as possible. Out of the pain you have directly caused him, he went to his family with the weight of the world on his shoulders, and you are no longer welcome in their house. Didn't like them anyway? Ah, good. You won't miss them then. Good thing Zoe is so young as to not have grabbed your heart yet. They don't want you anywhere near her. Wondering how she is doing while you were in private meetings or on the phone planning your intervention? Well, she is becoming non verbal and has lost the words she knew 3 months ago. While trying to put up with all your fucking bull shit and your loss for a rag to wipe it up with, I am also trying to teach her sign language, working with Ashley on her depression (oh wait, that's right. Founder Echols already convinced you all that she is not a depressed child, but a victim of her home environment) and trying to build back up a man who has been torn down (I'm not sure but it could be sexual abuse too, who is to say) and who has a history of not dealing well with being torn down, whose last words to me 10 hours ago were, "Fuck the Echols, I'm leaving to go have a beer." and hasn't been heard from since. If you don't understand the relevance of that statement, then you never knew enough about my family to have an opinion in the first place.

Ashley can not believe your behavior. She thinks her Grandma is crazy. She read the first paragraph of the letter sent to me today, and said, "That's it. I'm writing her a letter." She has told me word for word what she has told to each of you, and how you wound that around your little primitive brain and came out with an altered story is indicative of your intelligence level. If you had a concern for her, there were many avenues you could have pursued. You could asked her more questions, (had you been bright enough to ask the right ones) you could have asked me questions, you could have spent more time with her then the 2 weekends in the last 28 weekends that have gone by this year. Or, you could have listened to the other members of the family, who began months ago by telling you to butt out of it. One appropriate question could have been, "Hey Ash, do you have anxiety attacks for any other reasons, or just when Michael is abusing you?" or "Does your mom know about your attacks? You know she is on medication for her anxiety attacks that began when her step-dad was verbally and physically abusive to her mother. Anxiety might run in your family. Let's make a list of the different ways you might want to talk to your Mom and Michael about this." Oh no, your diary entry you helped her write with the names and numbers for an emergency with her little list of positive thoughts about herself was much more helpful. Why didn't you tell me you had a degree in child psychology? Think of all the thousands of dollars I could have saved by sending her to you instead. Gosh, I should have just looked at all of my siblings and myself and realized, duh...my parents are great at assessing childhood problems. Why all their children are stable!! Only two of the three need medication to get through a day. (Wait, are we counting pot as medication? That would make it all three.Oh no, but that is used only to relax, unwind, forget about this family, or to go spend an excess amount of time with them, especially on birthdays.) What a wealth of resources I have ignored all these years. (Never mind that some of you have never had children, never survived a successful marriage, or haven't made it there yet.)

You want me to keep all your secrets about who thinks what of whom? Who hates who's wife who already knows it because her sister(S) in law already told her husband. (oops, did I say that out loud. GASP!) Whoes boyfriend plays pretend with future mommy but really thinks she is full of shit and damn near brainwashing my child. (Oh crap, did that slip out?) Whose husband tells his son, month after month "you know your mother" but stands by her side in the mean time.

You can all keep playing your games. Stay away from me. Stay away from my one child ( I guess we won't count the little mute....if she is too young to know why you refused to come to her birthday party, she is probably too young to count for much at all.)

Enjoy participating in your relationships. As far as your "love is blind" mentality some of you referred to, maybe some of you should take off you god damned shades, stick them as far up your ass as you can, and look at your own lives. Your advice is the last thing I needed. I stand stronger alone than all of you who hold hands together, only to sanitize them later in the privacy of your own home. Who is cleaning up your shitty mess now? What do you think this did to Ashley? Nah, don't worry about it. I know you are all so busy and tired and consumed with your own lives. I'll keep on taking care of her while you sit back in judgement with your evaluation of my progress. Hey, if a child's unhappiness with life, be it all of it, or just the daily crap they encounter in their family, can lead to say.........deep depression and suicidal thoughts, well......that would knock two of you experts out of the running, wouldn't it?

Don't write, don't call. You have done enough damage. Take your good intentions, misguided efforts, gossip, and he said she said, petty, judgmental, spouse hating agenda(S) and focus on someone new. Hey, now that some of you have alienated others of us, you can focus on the only good spouse left.....Evan.(Beware though, he really knows how to kick and throw down umbrellas. Their future child might be in danger!!) I won't be around to protect my little niece or nephew, as I will be sharing a cell with Karen, who will eventually be arrested on poopy butt endangerment, article 10 of the Defenders of the Innocent clause.

Mom, everytime you attempt to communicate with Ashley, I am going to kick her and lock her in the closet. Well, if I am up to it. I might be napping, in which case I will wait for Michael to return in a drunken stupor to take out all his anger at you on her.

Drama, drama, drama ...

The following post is a reaction to last weekend's activities, and is more observation than anything else.  It's also a prolonged reaction to my recent family events.
 
Drama is fun - most people enjoy it.  It's attractive because it allows us to remove ourselves from the mundane activities that generally structure our lives.
 
At the same time, it seems that people in general have a difficult time handling stress and drama.  Instead of talking, calmly, to the person you have the issue with, people vent and involve their friends or family.
 
This is what I don't understand.  I understand getting emotional, and even irrational, with someone who you are upset with.  I get crazy-stupid with Evan when I'm feeling hurt.  I try and control it, but the emotion runs so deep it's a challenge to separate principle and logic from feeling. 
 
Many people are willing to make assumptions based on second or third-hand information as long as it comes from a seemingly trust worthy source.  I must include myself in this given the way I handled things with my mother and sister recently.  I still feel like a stupid-ass.
 
And I'm still reacting to it. 
 
I don't like assuming anything about anyone anymore, which makes me slightly more confrontational.  Perception is too tricky a thing to allow someone else to do for you.  Others can stain your own feelings/thoughts on the matter.
 
Why are we so afraid to talk to those who have wounded us, or made us angry?  Why is it that we seek advice from people who didn't participate in the event itself?  Is confrontation supposed to be a big spectacle where people scream and shout at one another?  It always was in my family, but we already know they are screwed up.
 

As a general rule

The messier my desk is, the more productive I'm being.
 
So step off, you squeaky-cleaner.

no, i'm not dead

i just lack anything interesting to say.  at all.
 
a lot of family drama has ensued over the past few days.  i had no idea until this stuff went down how powerful my role in the family is.  apparently, when jocelyn speaks, people shut up and listen.  i pretty much can sway EVERYONE in the family to trust my opinion, instinct, whatever, when something is going on.
 
it's freaky.  freakier even that i've only recently become aware of this power.  brody says i have it because i never take sides and judge people.  he calls that independence.  i call it suspending judgement.  either way, i am the most powerful player in the family drama.
 
more to come of that, i am sure.  but now i am too burnt out to write about it.
 
and, i am having a physical reaction to accounting.  i have a midterm this week and i don't want to.  i'm not confident enough.  i get most of it, but usually that 10% that i don't get is crucial to getting the right answer.  i guess i will practice some more tonight and then watch some cheesy tv show like Dawson's Creek. 
 
Thank goodness for Netflix.

Confirmation.

Today, I came to work.

Low and Behold, the funky-asthma lady asked me if I was sick. I said, "Well, not really anymore, but I'm still not feeling great."

She said, "Oh, you caught the flu too?"

This would have been the perfect time to confront her, but I'm just too tired to deal with it.

Plus, it's not really her fault, I mean, it's the flu. It's a pretty hearty virus.

Not Going to Work Tomorrow

Because I'm still too damn sick. And now I feel well enough to be pissed off about that fact.

Today I bought a new bubbler though, that was very exciting. And I had the best bacon I've ever tasted. Mmmmm, yummy.

Tomorrow I am going to school to do homework and maybe for a walk if I feel up to it. That's fairly ambitious considering how my weekend was spent: in front of the tv on the couch.

Even with Ashley here and Evan's parents here, I just didn't have the energy to move.

I bought NyQuil tonight, hopefully that will help me sleep.

And I finished the Hyperion series; it was so amazing I wanted to cry. Quite possibly the best book series I have ever read. Thank you, Dan Simmons.

Stupid Co-Worker Who Got me Sick

And Evan too.

And no, it's not Stinky. Stinky never gets sick. Like maybe she gets sick one time every two years.

I digress.

The other lady, let's call her, funky-asthma lady. Well, she's weird anyway. So last Thursday I'm at work and it's about 3pm and I am thinking about how my weekend will be so fun and what not. I walk into our crevice of a breakroom and get some water or something and funky-asthma lady is back there hacking up her left lung. She looks at me dead on and says, "I feel terrible today, I mean terrible." She repeats this several times.

She gets sick a lot too so I kind of just wanted to ignore her, but she was obviously sick in that way you know just by looking at someone or hearing them talk.

Now I have that same disease. And today my co-worker, the wonderful beautiful Liz told my boss that I was sick. I told him that funky-asthma lady got me sick. He said, "Really? I confronted her with that last week because her patients were complaining that she was sick. She said she was fine."

FINE MY ASS.

My chest and throat area are burning like I accidentally swallowed cyanide. My head is pounding and I am literally oozing snot and sweat from my pores and orifices. (Orifices, by the way is probably not a real word)

Lethargic. Achey. Swollen lymph-nodes throughout my chest and body. Oh yeah, and feverish.

It's a very yucky day for me. I just want to crawl back under the covers and sleep for a year until I feel better. But of course I am at work trying to infect everyone I know. I will probably leave early though.

What happened to Goats do Roam

as it turns out, I thought I could use the wine-saver dohicky to save the beer I decided not to drink. It was a brilliant idea. I did it last night. Someone told me it was a stupid idea on 4th of July so I only got as far as releasing the air from the Goats do Roam... I believe it was Nick.

My pal Andrew.

Few people can do what Andrew can do.

For instance, last night around 9:30 I get a phone call from him.

J: Hello?
A: Hey.
J: Is this my friend Andrew? (We haven't seen each other in nearly a year now)
A: I LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVVVVVVEEEE YOU!!!
J: Yay! I miss you!
A: So I was thinking ... of coming down to your house tonight with my girlfriend.

***insert pause while I think about it***

J: Mmmm... okay. (The equivalent of a verbal shrug)
A: Hahahaha! I love the way you answered that. Thing is, we are coming from Chico.
J: I know.
A: And she doesn't get off work until 10pm.
J: Whatever, just wake me up for a hug when you get here.
A: That's all I ask for.

***insert space where I tell Evan***

J: Umm ... Evan says you have to spend the night on Thursday too if you come so late tonight.
A: Okay, we'll try to be there by 1:30.

It was more like 2:30, but still so worth it. And really, not many people are invited to my house that late at night with that little notice.

Now you guys may wonder who he is, and you may not understand the love that is Andrew, but you did meet him. He came to my house-warming party completely exhausted after working twelve hours. Then, he cuddled up with my Dave Eggers' book and ignored you all.

But really he's quite wonderful; one of the best people I know.

I hope I can play with him tonight after school!

And some more eye candy

Check out the girl on the far right.

That's the one who sent the wine. Today she sent me an email, but I think she's just trying to get invited to the wedding. Who the hell knows?

The following pictures are straight out of Highlights Magazine For Children - How are they different?


1-2-3


Lights, Camera, Action!

The wine that tasted like ass...

That's the bottle that Evan's ex gave us. Ugh.

The first day it was alright ... with a sort of aged cheese flavor (i.e. feet) at the end, but then, Ericka decided to let the air out of the wine saver and the second time I tried to drink it I couldn't.

It's okay because it was free, and free does not necessarily equate good.

The 4th was fun and all, but man am I tired. I think Evan and I are both getting a cold, which makes me hungry. I think I want a bagel sandwich today.

New Sofa

I don't like to shop.

That's why when Evan told me we were in desperate need of a new couch and had to go to Macy's this weekend with all the holiday shopping freaks, I was distraught.

It bugged me all day.

And then we had to go to Costco to get some steak for our 4th of July festivities. So we're there, kind of browsing, kind of snacking on the free samples, and we come across a rather nice brown leather entertainment sofa. It's $1400.00. A bit out of our price range and definitely too large for our tiny living room. But we sit on it, we cuddle on it, I roll around on it to see if I like it.

Quite comfy as it turns out.

There just happens to be a smaller sofa (like normal sofa size instead of gargantuan) which is significantly less, in the same leather color, by the same designer, just not out on the floor.

In less than 12 hours I will have a brand new leather couch in my house because we are picking it up tomorrow.

Good-bye horrible futon.

May you Rest In Peace with all the other crap tossed by the wayside that is now known as our office.

Oh yes, we also bought a very cool tree plant thingy as well. It looks fabulous and I am in love with it. It's name is George IV, because all of our plants are named George (except the orchids), just like George Forman's children.

sneaky

I was totally going to change your tag line from that gibberish you have up now, but you took away my admin powers.

damnit.

but now that I'm here I see you have a post in draft that I can't wait to see...

muh ha ha ha

Here's a Pic of Half-Man

so here you go.

he's the one on the left who sort of looks like he has demon eyes.

enjoy.