Leaving on a jet plane

and evan is here next to me singing Wham. It's far too early for Wham.

We'll be back, just like Ahnold.

Did anyone ever see Final Fantasy?

You know, that incredible sci-fi digital animation movie? Do you remember how in the movie Gaia (Earth) was dying? Well, I am reading a book called Hyperion and it touches on this (slightly) as well. I'm starting to wonder if maybe the Earth's spirit actually is in jeopardy. Not like it's on the verge of death, or even in any immediate danger, but maybe Gaia is just depressed and giving up.

What's more is that it occurred to me that maybe all these tens of thousands of so-called depressed people are more attuned to Gaia's resignation/depression, and maybe that's why they are depressed?

Okay, feel free to call me a hokey-hippy-stoner now.

P.S. I just got a $116.80 check from Blockbuster because I worked there just after college and they are comping me for meals or something. Does anyone know anything about this?

goddamn archives

i don't know what is going on, but it's pissing me off and i am too lazy to care. so there.

picture this:

i sit at my desk with a smile like the cheshire cat. i bite my lower lip and slowly break into a funky car dance (at my desk) where i am doing that whole 'stick-your-neck-out-and-rotate-your-arms-in-a-dorky-circle' thing.

yep, that's my day today.

that, and i am waiting for lunch with one of my closest friends so i can bag on his boyfriend who can be a supreme jackass.

because i ain't got nothin' to do today but countdown the hours until i go. hah.

suckers.

When Nature Isn't Beautiful

I'm watching PBS right now and there is a special on about forest fire. I'm amazed at this program because apparently when they started using prescribed fire in Sequoia National Park, tourists thought the burnt trees were ugly because they were scarred black in places.

How can people be so fucking shallow? How can something that affirms life be ugly? How can something that occurs in nature, without the touch of a human hand, be considered ugly? I suppose many people find it easy to find ugliness in nature; we are so used to contrived settings and manicured lawns.

But I thought the entire point of going to a "nature" sight was to remove oneself from the preordained idea of natural beauty and to experience a place or a thing the way it would be if unblemished by humans? Am I completely off base here?

Lately I am surprised that the human race has managed to survive this long without killing each other off. I am so incensed by stupid people. These people who buy into all the manufactured crap and never question anything except their jobs and their spouses. I am bitter at the world for allowing us as a race to go on when it is so obvious that we've lost touch with all the important things in life.

I'm not saying that I haven't bought in to the very same marketing and crap as everyone else; I am just as guilty as you are. But there is a part of me that is absolutely repulsed that I even care whether or not I drive a cute car or wear trendy clothing. And maybe I'm becoming more and more materialistic (that's probably true since I'm richer now than I've ever been) but this part of me grows louder every day.

When you become consumed with things you need/want to buy, and think about all the ways in which you can spend your money, there is a loss of innocence that is probably irreversable. Even if you are saving money every time you get more you always have a way to spend it, filling the void where your money would automatically rack up if you just left it alone. For what, I wonder?

Thoreau said simplify.

I know what he means; I'm not sure I have the ability to do it, even though I have a strange fear that if I don't follow his methodology I will end up dead of a heart attack at a relatively young (and unhappy) age.

To appease the color gods ...

aka Ericka and Nick, my married friends, who like to complain as a duo.
That, and my brother because apparently anyone with marginal eyes (yes, Ericka I know you say it's 20/20 but the other two are practically blind without eyewear) can't read black text on a blue-ish-grey-purply background.

So here you go. I think you will find this better, you punks.

Fatigue

Today I am tired. Not the kind of tired where you feel sleepy and happy, not the kind of tired where you can't keep your eyes open because the lids feel like magnets, but the kind of tired where you can't possibly think of anything else but rest and relaxation.

All day long at work I think about how in a few days I will have some reprieve from everything that's been pumping through me for the past year (or several) and that I will be able to slow down and manage my thoughts/life/feelings better. I'll be off in another country, exploring and playing, instead of thinking about monster issues that have no real answer, much less conclusion.

I'm not just physically tired, but my entire head just needs a big long break from thinking about everything. It feels like all I do is think and think and nothing ever really changes - not in a large scale way.

Anyway, this is really just to admit my fatigue, so that I can weather it better. I probably won't be writing much for a while; I think the computer sucks my energy into a vacumn.

Why Marry?

I suppose I am challenged by this question more than most people ... I've been told the pros and the cons, and it seems like so much work with so little fruition. Part of the problem is, of course, that I've got no really good (or even mediocre) example of a healthy relationship outside of my boyfriend's parents. And while I am sure his mom would be more than happy to discuss their marriage and how you keep something like that alive and exciting, I'm not sure I feel comfortable talking about my commitment-phobic issues that quite possibly have to do with her son.

What's really fucked up is that I know that Evan is the best, most loving, wonderful, kind and intelligent man I have ever dated. (and if you knew how many men I've dated you would realize how magnificent that really is) admittedly we are going through a somewhat difficult time right now, but basically even when I hate him I love him more than anything (which only makes me more resentful of him).

I'm just not sure. Any relationship takes more effort and investment than most other things in life; at least for me. I may be particularly bad at them, but I'd like to think that's not the case. I'm well liked, I'm fun, I'm honest ... I'm so paralyzed by fear of loving someone and having them stomp me that I'm unable to really let go and love Evan the way he deserves. I don't guess anyone can answer a question like this for me; it's something I either think is right or not. And once I get married, supposing I take that step, there's really no easy way to get out of merged assets or vows. There's no easy way to erase the love that compels you to say you will spend the rest of your life with someone, working out your differences and loving one another. It's about growing together and having the fortitude to press on when things are difficult.

And what's worse is that I'm not sure I will ever be ready for something like that. Maybe the real problem is that I'm afraid I will be too paralyzed to take that step, and ultimately I will sabatoge an excellent relationship because I am afraid and too weak to conquer my fear. I guess that's really the point - to fully understand the commitment and the responsibility you take on when entering a union of marriage; I just don't know if I am cut out for something that meaningful and intense.

I'm extremely fortunate given that Evan is fully aware of my dilemma, concern, and fear. I can't say he likes it, but he lets me express it to him, here, and to friends and family. He appreciates my honesty and gives me the freedom to explore my feelings.

feedback is appreciated as this issue is much larger than myself.

This stupid thing...

I have to admit that formatting this page was more than I was prepared for. After several hours and some fantastic sites, I was able to find the colors I wanted and to figure out which line of code corresponded to which title floater bar thing.

And then, the party started.