trust

very recently i had a so-called friend admit to me that our relationship does not hold the level of trust it should.

admittedly my feelings are hurt, and i am extremely angry. this is difficult to talk about because i don't really want to go into the specifics of everything - the backstory alone would take too much space. the people involved are aware - i think - and if they're not, well, i don't really care right at the moment. i'm not looking to confront people here, but this is something i have been thinking about non-stop since it happened. it kept me awake most of last night and i'm tired of being haunted by someone else's insecurities or misperceptions of me.

and here's the thing: i will deal with a lot of bullshit from people i love. several of you can attest to this; but TRUST is something i won't go without because no real relationship can exist without it. and because trust is so tenous and fragile, i can't trust someone knowing they don't/won't trust me.

this situation exists because someone chooses not to trust me, not because they can't. they simply don't want to. maybe it's fear, maybe they are not trustworthy themselves. i don't really know and i'm not really sure i care. i'm not willing to invest in someone who can't do the same for me.

i'd rather divorce them and throw around polite banter than get involved on a deeper emotional level. no relationship is worth continuing when one party stops trusting the other. i don't need some superficial aquaintance in my life when i have so many other *real* people who will invest in me, support me, and trust me.

the sad part for me is that i really like this person, even though we are very different, even though they are filled with flaws, even though we don't agree on many, many things. i've enjoyed pursuing this relationship and the challenges presented by this person. i've had to modify the way i normally interact with people attempting to cultivate some hollow relationship that never really mattered in the first place.

i'm just a little slow on the uptake.

so yes, for those of you who have no idea what i am talking about, just know that trust is essential for a relationship with me. i'm many, many things, and not all of them good, but i don't lie and i put myself out there in a very real and unprotected way. i present honest information about myself that doesn't always put me in the best light, because i would rather be unloved for who i really am than loved for something i'm not.